Hello! Been together 2-3 years, in our late 20s, I’m a girl. I am trying to figure out if I’m being reasonable about the reasons why I’m feeling like maybe it won’t work out. Not sure what to do because there are good things. He’s a good guy, and overall things are good. We get along, have similar hobbies, lifestyles and views. This is all hard to explain without tone of voice, but I will try.
Pros: – thinks of me brings me gifts just because – same views, goals, lifestyle – polite and the kind of guy you bring home – families get along and each family likes the other – both want children – tidy, no drugs, no smoking – sometimes helps out – enjoys cuddling, etc – same hobbies and like doing the same thigns – same tastes in movies mostly and tv shows – both like games
Now I’m go through cons individually. I'll try to use one example for each so that my post doesn't get too long.
Sex: he doesn’t like sex (only sometimes- sometimes being like once every 1-2 months). I know the first question going to be asked is did we talk about it. Yes, I mentioned it before we got together to make sure we were on the same page. I like sex at least once a week if not more. Otherwise I start to get a bit rejected feeling.
He said that was fine, but he didn’t care about sex a lot, he cared about companionship and partnership. Coming from a past relationship where all that seemed to matter was sex, someone who cares about being a partner more than sex? That sounds great, and once a week seemed fine.
After the honeymoon period wore off, it’s been maybe once a month if not two. I have brought it up about once a month how I feel unattractive and while I really value that it’s not all about sex. It’d be nice to have more. He either will give two answers: he’s sorry he’s just felt unattractive lately and thats why (perfectly reasonable), or “sorry, I thought you cared about being partners than just about sex.” And, well then I feel bad, because he’s right that things shouldn’t be just about sex, a partnership is really important to me too, so I end up saying he’s right and drop it. Boundaries: We have different boundaries. We have had issues where I felt he was flirting with others based off of actions or mannerisms that he's done. He has pet names for girls, but he says he gives nicknames to everyone. I mean he does give them to every girl, but he said it doesn't mean anything. I also get that in a way. I know people like to give others nicknames and petnames I suppose. I said nick names are fine, but why do they have to be pet names? He said they aren't, it's not a big deal, it's just fun. If anyone had a problem with it, they'd tell him. I said I don't know about that.
Another example is we discussed whether it'd be okay to say "sup cutie" to another girl. He said it was fine, they were just words, they weren't a big deal they didn't mean anything. I told him it made me uncomfortable, and they did mean something because that's literally what words were made for, to mean something. He said it wasn't a big deal because if he said it to another girl it's just words, but if he said it to me it was like "aw look she's so adorable". I told him I didn't get the difference, and wasn't he worried about leading anyone on?
He's always maintained that any flirting that happened was not actually him flirting, it was unintentionally done (okay this can happen I get that). If it's unintentional, why does it matter? I take the stance of you want to watch your behavior because you don't want to come across like you are flirting or want to lead anyone on. I said what if some girl thinks you are going to on a date because she asks you to dinner, you think it's as friends, you go and she kisses you. He said then he'd stop her and he'd ask why she even thought it was a date because they're just friends. I said she'll say that he was calling her pet names and flirting, so she might have thought something was going on.
Anyway, I'm trying to be more accepting. I consider flirting to be pet names (not nicknames), and anything I notice he did with me when we started- if he mirrors the same tone of voice or mannerisms with other girls. I told him though that as long as it wasn't around me, I guess it was fine. As an aside, I've seen him talk to girls before and there are times when he acts normal (friendly and joking but boundaries like all couples should), and times when I don't see boundaries at all, so I know it's okay to be friendly/joking as long as it's obvious nothing is meant by it.
Taking me seriously: I feel like he doesn’t take me seriously. He says he does, but there are certain things that make me feel like he doesn't. We got in a minor car accident, and while we were fine, I felt like my back had been shaken up. Like, a jolt of shock had gone through it or something. I'd never been in one before, so I wanted to get it checked out just incase you know? so I went to do that, and my friend confirmed that sometimes you get back injuries during car accients. He said was I sure I was hurt, because his didn't hurt. A few hours later, we had this conversation.
Him: I don't think you were really hurt. Me: what? Him: I don't think your back really hurt. I think you were just scared. (this is all said in a friendly but slightly patronizing tone) Me: Well..it did? Him: well mine didn't hurt. It wasn't that bad. Me: that's great, but we're two different people, and mine did. I just wanted to check even though it was nothing.
I just felt disrespected, I guess? Like sometimes I feel like he just lacks empathy or self awareness.
Empathy: Speaking of that, he does have a lot of empathy, but for certain things. There's certain people or things he is empathetic about, but I feel like for the most part he seems to be sort of…entitled, but he doesn't know it. Like, you know how teens are, where when we were teens, everything was sorta about our world scope, and so we were kind of self absorbed, even if we did care about other people and things. I find it frustrating that he doesn't proactively do chores, or do things that are best for a situation. For example, he had to go somewhere while his car was in the shop. He lives with a disabled uncle. His uncle relies on the bigger car because it's easier to get into from a wheelchair, can carry a walker, etc. There's also another family car, a smaller like economy sized car. He took the larger car, knowing full well it's the easier car to get into. Like, he knows, but he just doesn't think, like with the flirting thing. He doesn't think how his actions affect others if that makes sense.
Chores: He doesn't do chores unless i nag him- is not proactive about chores. I'm not saying he's like the posts on here where the boyfriend's refuse to do chores or yell. He just doesn't think to do them. He'll do them if asked, but mostly is like "well someone else will do them" or "later". Example 1: Cooked dinner, left dishes in the sink. There is a dishwasher by the way. I said "why don't we wash these or put them in the dishwasher?" He said "nah, if I leave them there, magically they'll be gone in the morning." He meant that someone else would've cleaned it up by the morning. I said you can't just leave your mess for others, but it's not my house.
Example 2: I asked him to do laundry because there were no fresh clothes for work the next day. He had hours to do it, like it was 5pm and he didn't have to sleep until 10. I wasn't there. I asked him to just throw it in, and I'd do the rest, that way it was easier on him. He forgot, even though i reminded him. He was busy playing games. This happened enough times that now I do it to avoid this problem.
I talked to him about this too, multiple times. I say that he's a healthy able-bodied young man that can do his own chores. He should not be getting other people to do his chores. He said he doesn't want to do them. I said I also don't want to do them, I still do them. I said he pays rent for free, he should be helping out around the house like I do. He said his parents like cleaning, it gives them something to do while retired. I said "they always say anything you can do is appreciated though. You don't pay rent. You could at least do the harder chores so they don't have to". For context, they are old and it's harder for them to do the heavy duty stuff like scrubbing the tub. I sat down and told him recently this really bothered me and I don't understand. He said he's just joking when he said all that stuff- and he'll do chores if something has to be done.
I said that's fine, but why is it in the last 2 yrs, when I bring it up, you haven't done them unless much nagging has happened? It just seems like the type of thing you say when you don't want someone to leave, but I also think it's fair to give people time to change.To be fair, recently it's gotten slightly better, but only slightly. Like now he folds laundry sometimes instead of just washing the laundry and leaving me to fold. but it's like anything that takes work, he doesn't want to do.
Openness: Openness is a mixed bag here. Sometimes he's empathetic, and sometimes he's not. I opened up about some things that bothered me about me, I was crying because I feel a bit ashamed, and he was like "well I don't really care about that so.." and I know he meant like "well it doesn't matter that this is the way it is, I still love you", but still. I guess I was hoping for a more empathetic response like "I'm really sorry I hope you're okay". But sometimes, if I have a bad day, which occasionally I'll talk about, he'll say "Oh, that sucks :(" which is good, so I mean he can be empathetic, it just depends on when. One time I brought up something that bothered me and made me uncomfortable with him and a girl, and he said "sorry I'm not sorry, It's was just a joke."
He says I can't let stuff go, but how do you let go of stuff when you feel like you weren't heard or you didn't actually resolve anything? That's my issue though, and I understand that he may be frustrated by that. I just feel like I can't tell him stuff because for the most part, he just doesn't empathize. I have a hard time with trust with being able to tell my partner anything, but not trust in general with him. Like day to day life yeah and I know I can trust him to be faithful and be my companion, but not sure about partner. This isn't all the examples, just some of them.
Forgetting: If I bring up something he said that bothers me or that he did, he always says he doesn't recall or he never said something when he did. Now, this may be true. He may truly not remember, because he said he doesn't think before he speaks he just says whatever, but it'd be nice to hear like "well, that may be true I could've said that." instead of "well I never did that'. I feel like we have this conversation enough that I have to start recording what he says. I'll tell him he said one thing, and he'll say he said another, and I'm like well if you had said that, we wouldn't have fought over it because I would've felt heard, but I know you didn't say that because I remember exactly what you said.
Children: didn't know about children until 2 months ago when suddenly he decided he might want children – not sure what prompted this
Immaturity: trolls people on the internet. Keep trying to get him to stop, but he says it doesn't mean anything, that's just what you do. He doesn't actually mean it. I think there's a theme here with the not actually meaning it. For example, he uses hate speech during games, he's like one of those toxic players, except he's not red pill like or anything.
Anyway, that's all I can think of for now. We have a lot of good things. I will try to answer any questions. Reiterating he's not a bad guy, it’s just a bit like dating a teen. Like how teens aren't bad, they just only have their worldview and don't recognize how their actions can affect others. He's a nice guy who isn't a truly bad person, I think he's just still growing up I guess.
I know the common advice is the grass is green where you water it, not with another partner, but what if you keep trying to water it and you can’t tell if you’re growing it or drowning it? I’m trying to suss out if these are valid issues or there’s somewhere I need to bend. Thank you for reading!
TL;DR: Boyfriend and I have a few issues and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable being upset because we have a lot of good things too.